30 Days of Gratitude...DAY 1

My "Dating DC" project, while fun and hilarious, was a bit of an epic fail. (But fun...and I made some friends, and that, afterall, was the point...)

For the next 30 days, I'm going to write everyday about the first thing or things that come to mind when I think of what I'm thankful for. What better way to make hard work worth all the time when I can recenter myself at least once a day....

Today, I can't stop thinking about my good friend, Cinnamon.

The funny part is....I haven't seen her in a while, and our next date in fact is next weekend. It's not like she's sitting next to me or on the phone or looking at her picture or...nope. Actually, I don't even think I have a picture of her. (fakebook doesn't count..) And if you ask me to describe why I'm thankful for her...which I'm about to try...it's nearly impossible. She somehow eeked her witty and compassionate self into my big heart and when I need a dose of anything...honesty, face-time, inspiration, an ear, someone to point out my biggest flaws or give me the credit that I rarely get but probably deserve...she is becoming the light bulb that goes off in my brain....probably because:

--She's so smart. She's my cuter, person version of wikipedia. :-) She ALWAYS knows the answer and if she doesn't, then give her 3 minutes and she'll have one. She knows what book to hand me when I need a good read; what joke will make me piss my pants, and when to show up in the ER when no one else did (even though my visits are too frequent to really be urgent anymore.)

--She's so pretty. On my birthday, she wore the prettiest cashmere sweater than genuinely made me contemplate cashmere like I was high....why is cashmere so soft? How is she pulling off a sweater?! (I decided I was too young for sweaters, but after seeing hers..) And my final question about this sweater....where the hell can I get a said-cashmere sweater?! She always has the widest, most genuine smile on her face, and it always brings one out of me. After 2 weeks of not seeing her, I never, EVER know what color her hair might be, which has become a complete build-up, almost like I'm meeting her all over again. She always has cute shoes...she can go from business-cinnamon to workout-cinnamon in 6 seconds. Mostly, she's the best sharer I know. I grew up in a big family....I shared everything with everyone! Socks with my brother, shoes with my mom, I shared my bed with my sisters on many occasions...but outside of the Norse clan, I hadn't met someone so outrightly giving. Cinnamon could have been a Norse. All of these things make her stupidly pretty to me!

--MOST important to me: she calls me on my shit. She points out when I'm being a brat, demanding, too independent and when I push people away. She asks all the right questions, and then follows up when I see her next. I can honestly say that her "coaching" personality not only makes her a great friend, but I am just better at living life because of it. She makes me want to be equally as amazing, not just right back at her, but to the whole damn world. There should be a law regarding how much of her to get in one day, because I'm absolutely certain that if we spent a full day together we'd either rule the world or end up in jail....or both.

I was reading something the other day......all we ever really need in our life to live fully is at least ONE person who loves us for who really are....and while I'd like to think I have tons of people this applies to, I know for sure that while this woman has every reason to judge me or not love me because of my gaping flaws, all of which she knows completely about; she actually loves me in spite of them. That's real love, and I really love her. :-)

Everyone should have a Cinnamon in their life...jus' saying. :-)

Lindsey Mantras

Lindsey-Mantras.

I made this list when I was less-than-pleased with who I was “being.” I needed to make a list to remind myself what I stood for..in sentence form. So…happy reading: (some are mine: original and made up, and some are completely stolen…you can probably figure out which is which...so don't sue me.)

· Will it matter tomorrow?

· Do more yoga

· Drink more water

· Espresso and wine are a treat.

· When you don’t know-smile pretty. When you don’t get what you want, smile harder and say thank you.

· I am radiant.

· I will not settle.

· My time is precious, and so are the people I spend it with.

· Whether I think I can, or think I can’t, I’m right.

· Be a dreamer.

· Love fully and all the time. Don’t be a cheapskate when it comes to love.

· My mom and my dad are finally best friends.

· Sisters and brother are forever, and may not necessarily share your name or your DNA.

· Life is short, but my days are long.

· I am proud to be happy.

· I choose this life.

· I don’t change…I grow.

· Stop everyday to smell the roses, because I have so many things to be thankful for.

· I deserve to be happy.

· In order to make others happy, I must make myself happy first.

· One person CAN make a difference.

· I choose to take things personal.

· Considering a God is always worth the time and mental energy.

· Experiences, while not degrees, are deserving of my respect.

· Remain positive.

· Always exhibit integrity with my world.

· Do not tell a lie. Honesty will always be my best policy.

· Sing in the shower. Dance in the rain. Watch “How I met your mother.”

· Someone else’s laughter is the most beautiful sound.

· Matching is overrated. So is brushing your hair.

· If you don’t love your life, then change it.

· I attract people like me. Who am I?

· I can do anything if I want it bad enough.

· I am money-driven and not driven by money.

· I will choose brains before beauty...but I choose both.

· I will forgive myself when I eff it all up. I’ll surely do it again…

· Offer all of yourself to those you love. Those you love are all you’ll ever really have.

· People are irreplaceable.

· Real men do cry.

· Sweat once a day. Or all day. It’s fine.

· Someday NEVER comes.

· I don’t do shallow. I swim in deep waters,my friends.

· Get big or go home.

My perfect day: January 2011

Listening to “The Maine” on Pandora, and writing in the history section (most deserted section of my bookstore, no history buffs in Silver Spring I guess, :-/) on the floor, with my sugar free raspberry Americano…recalling my perfect day….

My mom is so incredibly thoughtful. She surprised me with a monetary birthday gift one week early. I have talked to my gym crush twice, two days in a row. I prayed he wouldn’t introduce himself formally and put out his hand as both 20 second exchanges made my palms sweat. I worked out yesterday with a 5 foot, 66 year old Brazilian man with an accent and an adorable graying pony tail. Turns out, he has a better recovery heart rate than I do. Alfred held a plank for 3 and a half minutes effortlessly, followed by fifty flawless pushups. I saw him at the coffee shop today, and oddly found myself wanting go out of my way and almost asked to sit with him, but I was afraid what he would think of me. What we have here is a good old fashioned friend crush, at its finest.

It’s snowing, and what always rings in my head when everything is covered with snow, are my dads profound words years ago when driving by the Kashuba’s house, the poorest family in town, that share their house with goats, and have more garbage surrounding their house than the city dump; chimes in my dad at this moment where I’m in my judgmental state: “I love when it snows, because it covers up all the ugly, and make everyone the same and equal and beautiful.” Now, everytime it snows, I only notice the beauty and equality in the world.

Two nights ago, when my roommate and I were snowed in, we watched and sang along to the American Idol rejects…hilarious exchanges with Sarah sit with me for days and still make me smile in retrospect. I might sing “loving you….is easy cause you’re beautiful” terribly, and off key EVERY night if it promised the sound of her choking laughter vibrating through her door to my room…

My current mantra: I love the life I have chosen for myself…it is truly chosen, beautiful and Lindsey-perfect.

"In a full heart, there is room for everything"

I just recently got back from maybe one of the most beautiful places in the whole world…a little Island called St. John. I spent 5 days trying to shake off an insecurity that followed me right from DC like a backpack that was weighty….umm, Rude. I had planned on being Lindsey-good-time and stress free, but day 4, I sat on the beach, alone, unable to sleep, speak or write. But here I was, toes in the sand, browing in the sun and staring at the bluest water I’ve ever seen, and still was uptight. So I did what any Lindsey Fern would do...gave myself an attitude adjustment. I put all of my mental and spiritual energy into uncovering the root of this insecurity or I was going to go nuts.

A few influential relationships, male and female, in the last 6 monthes have negatively labeled me “emotional.” The direct quotes, “I have never dated a girl who has cried as much as you” Or “I hope Lindsey doesn’t get emotional on us”. Wow. First….RUDE. Second, why did this bother me so much? I take little personal usually, and I happen to like that my number one strength is empathy. I can connect with anyone, anywhere, anytime. I can tap into a wide range of the emotions of others; from happiness, sadness, depression; graciousness; uncertainty; fear; pure ambition. I’m that voice of reason for so many others…I can go Dr. Phil on your ass in five minutes and have you feeling like you just went to a weekend retreat or rehab and send you on your way. It's KIND of a gift. Yet I sat burning in the sun, feeling undeserving of even being on this island, undeserving of just about everything.

I have to stop being so hard on myself. Growing up, I have always been the square peg in the round hole. I was the girl in second grade who made my guidance counselor in elementary school cry while telling her about something at home, I can’t even recall. (Ms. Porvecchio later told me she had never met an emotionally mature 7 year old.) I went to high school, where I would go months without speaking to my parents because I genuinely felt like a nuisance, being that I was fifth born and all. I had a huge family, but didn’t know how to communicate with them, so I simply stopped trying altogether. I wasn’t an ugly girl, but I never really had a boyfriend…I was scared to death of intimacy. And I mean, to death. I had friends, but they were caught up in hair and make up and boys…and well, I was a nerd. I was probably reading a book somewhere, rather than sneaking out on dates or making out in the bushes of Blue Mountain Academy. Sophomore year in college I finally found my voice and went from emotionless to being an entire well of feelings that made everyone uncomfortable, even me. I hated everything about my life. I ran twice a day, stopped eating normal amounts and lost twenty pounds, trying to make sense of my new emotionally charged life...but it didn't go away.

Here I am now, finally proud that I have found the beautiful balance of emotional expression. I cry when I’m sad (VERY rare, unless something is up), sing when I’m happy (every day, all day), and constantly look for opportunities to appreciate and acknowledge my amazing family and friends. I never miss an opportunity to show up mentally or physically for a friend when they: get married, lose their job; graduate or get promoted; lose a loved one; get their heart broken; fall in love and cant stop talking about him; serve others; play a game or sport or run with a friend. My running partner is one of my best friends and we bond by putting one step in front of the other…our relationship thrives on our endorphin highs…but get this, we rarely talk. I’ll say it again…Trisha and I: talk so little. She doesn’t love me dissecting her life…she loves me because when she’s tired and can’t keep up the pace, she knows I’ll step up and block the wind for her, and she’ll return the favor by pulling me across the finish line. (We have won races this way…it works, just sayin.) My roommate and I, too, bond mostly without using words. She has told me the way to her heart is by “face time”. So be it...Sarah and I have watched countless episodes of “How I met your mother” and “American Idol" before getting into whats really on her plate, and sometimes don't touch it all...and it's fine. Another good friend bonds by story telling…and since he does truly tell the best stories, I love being the listener and laugh-er. Neither him or I have any idea how it happens, but we are somehow closer after his recollection of most embarrassing story or family talk. What I’m saying, being a master emotional understand-er makes me kind of awesome.

Finally, in the airport on the way home, I remembered the words of a friend who was a recent comfort when I was feeling lesser, she reminded me...even through my own personal heartbreaks, losses, emotional and physical abuse…none of it has hindered my own absolute and pure, unselfish love for others. I have put up no walls; I don’t need you to love me first so I can love you back…I have never regretted loving someone and telling them, even if we aren’t friends or acquaintances anymore. I am not scarred by tragedies and I can love everyone like the first time. It’s a talent I think….an extreme sport I play with an “in it to win it” mentality…like an elite-lover, really. :-)

Here's to my skeptics, whom I still love and try to understand...

“The role of emotion in reasoning has long been negatively viewed. Since Plato, most philosophers have held that emotions interfere with rationality….But wiser reason recognizes the true and great value of feeling. In a full heart, there is room for everything.”

My first date!

Ok, all. This is what you've all been waiting for...

I did it. I replyed to a message, and began a conversation that was quite stimulating. So we set up a place to meet...Jaleo in Bethesda. I had never been there, and Ive heard it's fabulous, so there was at least that to look forward to. My dad was sure to ask, "Well did ya at least get a great dinner out of him?" Yes dad, sho did.

He is a very sweet guy. And when I say very, I mean that for someone, he is absolutely picture perfect. He has a ridiculously adorable face, which some of you know is my downfall. He is brilliant. A biochem undergrad, an MBA. He has a great job for a drug research company and now travels internationally, all the time. He swims every morning. He reads, maybe more than I do, and loves music...so what's wrong with him?

He's a mute. He was that kid in your second grade class that sat behind you, and the only time he spoke all year was every morning when the teacher called his name, and all you'd hear was "here." I'm pretty sure he did his homework during recess, and ran home to read an encyclopedia. I'm definitely not making fun of the fact that he's quiet, and definitely not that he's smart. Just that our date was an adapted version of the game 20 questions. Adapted version: 600 questions. Bet you can guess who was asking the questions....

What I learned about him: He's 34. He sleeps 3 hours a night, and while he has supposedly an amazing bed, he sleeps on the couch. This was fascinating, there was at least 100 questions around this..."why the hell would you sleep on the couch?" Unfathomable. He has one brother, and when asked if they were close, he paused and said "as close as brothers could be, I guess." Yep, another 10 questions. My brothers' are hearty, Vermont-born and raised, football playing MEN. And they hug eachother everytime they see eachother and have a hard time saying goodbye. That's close. Psychoanalyzing came quite easy....though, I did avoid asking him about girls. Him ever having a girlfriend is highly unlikely...so, I spared him that awkwardness. He has done one triathlon..just bought a house..loves wine and plays soccer. We talked about our countless injuries and surgeries. He described himself as a "great listener". I tried hard to keep my chuckle from being the erupting outburst that it was inside..

What I learned about me: I always thought I was awkward, but truth be told I'm good at putting my own awkwardness aside if someone else is struggling. I learned that I'm brave when I decide to be. I really can have fun with someone whose definition of fun involves chemical research. Also, I think it took him at least 200 questions to realize, while I come across sometimes like Sporty Spice who fakes a college degree, he did begin to realize that I do in fact have a brain. I recognized he was playing me for a ditz, didn't change at ALL, and wound up having decent conversation. (It's difficult to overcome that, as some people decide not to take you serious.) I found genuine common ground where in the first 3 minutes I wasn't sure if there was going to be any. Finally, the heels I wore were HIGHLY unneccessary, though did make me feel pretty. :-)

Lessons were learned. :-) And since this was not quite as hilarious as I'm sure some of you were hoping, I'll share verbatim my roommate's voicemail to me when I didn't call her back right away, circa 9 pm...

"O.M.G. NORSE call me back RIGHT NOW. I've called you three times and you're not answering. I'm about to get in my car and check every dumpster in BETHESDA! Do I need to be your grandma sick in the hospital to get you out of something awful!? WHERE ARE YOU??? Ok...Listen..I don't care if you are at third base with this guy, you need to stop for 20 seconds and tell him that you need to call me before I call the cops on yo ass. CALL ME. love you bye." If not hilarious at first, I'll always leave you with a smile. :-) (Or Erika will...but either way..)

So how did it end? A curt handshake, and a "thank you so much for dinner!" And, for which I feel bad now, "call me when you're back in town." His face broke into a gargantuan grin and an elated "OK!" and nearly skipped to his car. I'm going to have to call up a friend and ask how "the fade-away" works, because I have a feeling I will be throwing a few of these fishies back....

But it's ok...there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Seven Months to date DC....

My sister Marcy is brilliant. No really. Her and I decided, (on sister day of course) after much discussion about my what to do with my life...she had a flash of brilliance. Since I love to write, and would like to one day do it for money...I need to become the Carrie Bradshaw of Boston. If you don't know who she is....check yo'self.

Anyways...Marcy decided that I needed to start dating DC (while I'm here, for a guaranteed seven more months, until my lease runs up...hence the seventh month deadline) and then write about it...I may have initially threw up in my mouth at this idea...how many horrible first dates would I go on??! Or, on the flipside, how many friends was I about to make. I suddenly began contemplating. I can't lie...a book about this would be ANYTHING but boring...

I went to the very website that a guy friend mentioned joining. (Ok, I told him he was a fool for going to a lowly online dating site and probably made him feel shitty. Thanks to my bash session on him, I pulled out that website from my brain and went straight to it) and within 10 or so minutes....BLAM. I had myself a profile...complete with bits and pieces of my standard witty charm, labeled with my diva picture taken from a lululemon photo shoot for our october "run" window. What has become of this profile in the last 24 hours is nothing but ABSOLUTE hilarity...do enjoy:

- Happy New Year to U! How u doing on this Sunday? Good im hoping. My name is .. im new to this so please bare with a brotha. Oh and if u can please, please excuse my bootleg side way pic I had to post of myself. (smile) I email u, hoping we can get to know better and hangout sometime. Let me know if this works for u. I hope to hear from u, but until then u have a good day!

WHATS WITH THE "U" 's, dude? You're thirty. Delete.

- You're pretty cute and you seem like fun. Just curious, where do you typically like to hang out?

-"Just curious?" Is that curious like Ted Bundy was probably curious?" Telling you where I hang out would be about as promising as a drug overdose, I'm sure of it. DELETE with the quickness....

-"I am slowly falling under the impression that you and I would probably make beautiful babies. But here's the deal....if its a girl you can name her but if its a boy I get to name him. I would also like to complete the family by buying a pet duck. I think it would make a great addition. Just a thought....get back to me and let me know your opinions on this. Signed, Forever yours (and forever young)

Ok, that one made me laugh...alot. Laugh, see you're pictures, they're ok. But you have a GREAT personality...sigh. And also, you're 19. Delete...

There's the standard "yer hot" or "hey cutie" which clearly they didn't read the bottom of my profile, where you can find this, where it asks what you're idea of a perfect date is (lamest question ever) : REALLY? If you make it past the "hey, you're pretty hot" message, then I'm sure we'll be fine. PLEASE just answer me this....does that ACTUALLY work?? If you don't have questions about the things above then do not send me a "hey whats up" message or I will absolutely thrash my head on a blunt wall. Back to a first date: I could make sitting in an empty room a blast, so I'm not worried about a first date. Like I said, if we even get there...;-)" ...yet I STILL get the, "hey, u mus be a runer"...and if you read my profile you would have gotten that. Not only can you not read...but you can't spell either. Nice.

So, seven months to date dc...I'm optimistic. This might be the most FUN seven months...there's plenty of fish in these DC waters...

NORSE

Top 10 moments of Visiting My family:

1)  My dad asking me if I've ever met the "Me-off twins"...then errupting into laughter.  (email me for the rest of that joke...it's way offsides.  The fact that my dad told me it made me ill.)

2)  Upon being asked by my eldest brother to help him carry the grill onto the deck...I may have slowly dropped it, and then Josh turned into the hulk, threw it over his shoulder, and carried it up himself.  And in his momentary fit of anger and frustration, he broke the handle off...I found this entire encounter utterly hilarious.  You know what happens when you're laughing too hard to tell everyone what just happened?   You're brother blames it all on you...

3)  Making christmas cookies with my dad....and re-doing them when they weren't cut and shaped to cookie perfection.  Best part, we had to use a 2 liter of Diet coke to roll out the dough.  Since dad won't let a christmas go by without a 24 hour marathon of cookie making...next years gift: ROLLING PIN.

4)  Snuggling each night with whichever animal claimed their spot on the bed first, or the one night with my niece, Elle.  

5)  My nephew Luke asking if he could go "-nowmobiling" again....my heart may have dropped a little hearing his little voice...

6)  Going to work with my dad...retiling a floor...though I had to take an insane amount of painkillers due to my intense back pain after...I wouldn't have rathered be anywhere else then alongside my old man, listening to the same songs on the radio, singing offkey, horribly on purpose, telling bad jokes or being silent.  

7) "It's five o clock somewhere, Marc.."  and Sister Day.  New rule...one day dedicated to sisterhood every time I come home.  We have years to make up....

8)  My dad yelling at Luke to "GROW UP!"  He's two....somehow he still loves his grampy...

9)  Hearing step mom Laura tell a story that she found so funny she couldn't finish it...my dad and I were so confused.  But, watching people laugh that hard is somewhat endearing, and contagious...leading me to...

10)  My dad's absolutely horrendous and horrid, obnoxious, irritating, and absolutely psychotic laugh that seeks only attention from those around.  The only people that it still works on: Jessica and I.  By the end of our shrugging him off and telling him to stop, the three of us laugh so hard we can hardly breath.

Dad, Laura, Josh, Marcy, Elle, Luke, and Dennis and Jessica who weren't with us this year,  I love you all more than I can begin to tell you.  You guys are more than my look-a-likes.  You are my daily (even though I don't see you) source of hope, inspiration, encouragement, unconditional love and joy.  Thank you for a wonderful stay at home.  There are lots of differences between us.  But, one thing we all have in common, for which I brag...

So proud to be...Norse.