Lindsey Mantras

Lindsey-Mantras.

I made this list when I was less-than-pleased with who I was “being.” I needed to make a list to remind myself what I stood for..in sentence form. So…happy reading: (some are mine: original and made up, and some are completely stolen…you can probably figure out which is which...so don't sue me.)

· Will it matter tomorrow?

· Do more yoga

· Drink more water

· Espresso and wine are a treat.

· When you don’t know-smile pretty. When you don’t get what you want, smile harder and say thank you.

· I am radiant.

· I will not settle.

· My time is precious, and so are the people I spend it with.

· Whether I think I can, or think I can’t, I’m right.

· Be a dreamer.

· Love fully and all the time. Don’t be a cheapskate when it comes to love.

· My mom and my dad are finally best friends.

· Sisters and brother are forever, and may not necessarily share your name or your DNA.

· Life is short, but my days are long.

· I am proud to be happy.

· I choose this life.

· I don’t change…I grow.

· Stop everyday to smell the roses, because I have so many things to be thankful for.

· I deserve to be happy.

· In order to make others happy, I must make myself happy first.

· One person CAN make a difference.

· I choose to take things personal.

· Considering a God is always worth the time and mental energy.

· Experiences, while not degrees, are deserving of my respect.

· Remain positive.

· Always exhibit integrity with my world.

· Do not tell a lie. Honesty will always be my best policy.

· Sing in the shower. Dance in the rain. Watch “How I met your mother.”

· Someone else’s laughter is the most beautiful sound.

· Matching is overrated. So is brushing your hair.

· If you don’t love your life, then change it.

· I attract people like me. Who am I?

· I can do anything if I want it bad enough.

· I am money-driven and not driven by money.

· I will choose brains before beauty...but I choose both.

· I will forgive myself when I eff it all up. I’ll surely do it again…

· Offer all of yourself to those you love. Those you love are all you’ll ever really have.

· People are irreplaceable.

· Real men do cry.

· Sweat once a day. Or all day. It’s fine.

· Someday NEVER comes.

· I don’t do shallow. I swim in deep waters,my friends.

· Get big or go home.

My perfect day: January 2011

Listening to “The Maine” on Pandora, and writing in the history section (most deserted section of my bookstore, no history buffs in Silver Spring I guess, :-/) on the floor, with my sugar free raspberry Americano…recalling my perfect day….

My mom is so incredibly thoughtful. She surprised me with a monetary birthday gift one week early. I have talked to my gym crush twice, two days in a row. I prayed he wouldn’t introduce himself formally and put out his hand as both 20 second exchanges made my palms sweat. I worked out yesterday with a 5 foot, 66 year old Brazilian man with an accent and an adorable graying pony tail. Turns out, he has a better recovery heart rate than I do. Alfred held a plank for 3 and a half minutes effortlessly, followed by fifty flawless pushups. I saw him at the coffee shop today, and oddly found myself wanting go out of my way and almost asked to sit with him, but I was afraid what he would think of me. What we have here is a good old fashioned friend crush, at its finest.

It’s snowing, and what always rings in my head when everything is covered with snow, are my dads profound words years ago when driving by the Kashuba’s house, the poorest family in town, that share their house with goats, and have more garbage surrounding their house than the city dump; chimes in my dad at this moment where I’m in my judgmental state: “I love when it snows, because it covers up all the ugly, and make everyone the same and equal and beautiful.” Now, everytime it snows, I only notice the beauty and equality in the world.

Two nights ago, when my roommate and I were snowed in, we watched and sang along to the American Idol rejects…hilarious exchanges with Sarah sit with me for days and still make me smile in retrospect. I might sing “loving you….is easy cause you’re beautiful” terribly, and off key EVERY night if it promised the sound of her choking laughter vibrating through her door to my room…

My current mantra: I love the life I have chosen for myself…it is truly chosen, beautiful and Lindsey-perfect.

"In a full heart, there is room for everything"

I just recently got back from maybe one of the most beautiful places in the whole world…a little Island called St. John. I spent 5 days trying to shake off an insecurity that followed me right from DC like a backpack that was weighty….umm, Rude. I had planned on being Lindsey-good-time and stress free, but day 4, I sat on the beach, alone, unable to sleep, speak or write. But here I was, toes in the sand, browing in the sun and staring at the bluest water I’ve ever seen, and still was uptight. So I did what any Lindsey Fern would do...gave myself an attitude adjustment. I put all of my mental and spiritual energy into uncovering the root of this insecurity or I was going to go nuts.

A few influential relationships, male and female, in the last 6 monthes have negatively labeled me “emotional.” The direct quotes, “I have never dated a girl who has cried as much as you” Or “I hope Lindsey doesn’t get emotional on us”. Wow. First….RUDE. Second, why did this bother me so much? I take little personal usually, and I happen to like that my number one strength is empathy. I can connect with anyone, anywhere, anytime. I can tap into a wide range of the emotions of others; from happiness, sadness, depression; graciousness; uncertainty; fear; pure ambition. I’m that voice of reason for so many others…I can go Dr. Phil on your ass in five minutes and have you feeling like you just went to a weekend retreat or rehab and send you on your way. It's KIND of a gift. Yet I sat burning in the sun, feeling undeserving of even being on this island, undeserving of just about everything.

I have to stop being so hard on myself. Growing up, I have always been the square peg in the round hole. I was the girl in second grade who made my guidance counselor in elementary school cry while telling her about something at home, I can’t even recall. (Ms. Porvecchio later told me she had never met an emotionally mature 7 year old.) I went to high school, where I would go months without speaking to my parents because I genuinely felt like a nuisance, being that I was fifth born and all. I had a huge family, but didn’t know how to communicate with them, so I simply stopped trying altogether. I wasn’t an ugly girl, but I never really had a boyfriend…I was scared to death of intimacy. And I mean, to death. I had friends, but they were caught up in hair and make up and boys…and well, I was a nerd. I was probably reading a book somewhere, rather than sneaking out on dates or making out in the bushes of Blue Mountain Academy. Sophomore year in college I finally found my voice and went from emotionless to being an entire well of feelings that made everyone uncomfortable, even me. I hated everything about my life. I ran twice a day, stopped eating normal amounts and lost twenty pounds, trying to make sense of my new emotionally charged life...but it didn't go away.

Here I am now, finally proud that I have found the beautiful balance of emotional expression. I cry when I’m sad (VERY rare, unless something is up), sing when I’m happy (every day, all day), and constantly look for opportunities to appreciate and acknowledge my amazing family and friends. I never miss an opportunity to show up mentally or physically for a friend when they: get married, lose their job; graduate or get promoted; lose a loved one; get their heart broken; fall in love and cant stop talking about him; serve others; play a game or sport or run with a friend. My running partner is one of my best friends and we bond by putting one step in front of the other…our relationship thrives on our endorphin highs…but get this, we rarely talk. I’ll say it again…Trisha and I: talk so little. She doesn’t love me dissecting her life…she loves me because when she’s tired and can’t keep up the pace, she knows I’ll step up and block the wind for her, and she’ll return the favor by pulling me across the finish line. (We have won races this way…it works, just sayin.) My roommate and I, too, bond mostly without using words. She has told me the way to her heart is by “face time”. So be it...Sarah and I have watched countless episodes of “How I met your mother” and “American Idol" before getting into whats really on her plate, and sometimes don't touch it all...and it's fine. Another good friend bonds by story telling…and since he does truly tell the best stories, I love being the listener and laugh-er. Neither him or I have any idea how it happens, but we are somehow closer after his recollection of most embarrassing story or family talk. What I’m saying, being a master emotional understand-er makes me kind of awesome.

Finally, in the airport on the way home, I remembered the words of a friend who was a recent comfort when I was feeling lesser, she reminded me...even through my own personal heartbreaks, losses, emotional and physical abuse…none of it has hindered my own absolute and pure, unselfish love for others. I have put up no walls; I don’t need you to love me first so I can love you back…I have never regretted loving someone and telling them, even if we aren’t friends or acquaintances anymore. I am not scarred by tragedies and I can love everyone like the first time. It’s a talent I think….an extreme sport I play with an “in it to win it” mentality…like an elite-lover, really. :-)

Here's to my skeptics, whom I still love and try to understand...

“The role of emotion in reasoning has long been negatively viewed. Since Plato, most philosophers have held that emotions interfere with rationality….But wiser reason recognizes the true and great value of feeling. In a full heart, there is room for everything.”