I have known for years that I have an addictive personality. I wrote an entire blog post about how much I hate change…I am first and foremost, addicted to what I know. In all openness, I really have lived a very harmful lifestyle, and I’m sad to say that that is all I know. I know waking up and falling asleep with espresso in hand, and using that in between time to kill myself trying to tackle an impossibly long to-do list full of unnecessary shit. I make myself feel so guilty for not getting it all done, for not using my 24 hours that day most efficiently. The first thing I cut into is sleep…I mean, who could sleep at a time like this? There is dishes to do, a blog to contribute to, trails to run…so clearly, I’m unkind to myself. I offer compassion to everyone and ANYONE except for myself.
I realized the other day that what the world needs is not another highly functioning “do-er.” Who I am being is somewhat of a chaotic tornado that thrives on caffeine, to-do lists, adrenaline rushes and bodily and intellectual torment. A good friend pointed out to me the other day, “Lindsey, who told you that the real you wasn’t enough?” Wow. Right on sister. But, for some reason, I’ve felt that my best self is the girl who bounces off the walls, never tires, and always says yes. And now that I’m saying this out loud, I realize the dysfunction. There is no inner joy in this nor is it remotely sustainable. There are moments of success, in fact there have been a lot of them in my life. This lifestyle works for me, and has created a huge level of achievement. But my heart is vacant and when I let myself come down from this caffeine high…I realize, I’m a fraud. That is not me. I’m out of integrity with myself. The world doesn’t need any more frauds.
So, I have made the decision to give up caffeine. Ok, I’m giving up coffee for a short while, espresso probably permanently. I want a life of true freedom…free from needing to “be” anything other than what I am...ultimately free from addiction. I can’t be free if my life revolves around a cup of joe, sometimes more than one. Maybe underneath it all, I really am tired, and I want that to be ok. Maybe I’m sad, and MAYBE I’m really quite delightful at my core, but none of us ever noticed it because I’m too busy babbling off stories of what is next on my list. Maybe I’m witty and maybe I’m slower to respond. I have always wanted to be “sweet”, and maybe I am if I am not distracted with some said goal needing accomplishment. Perhaps I’ve been afraid of what actually sits underneath it all untouched. Oh well, regardless, it all is coming out, like it or not. Here's to being real....
Two days later…Decaf sucks reeeeeal bad, and did not trick my body one bit. This addiction thing is no joke…thank god it’s not crack or something ridiculous…this is hard enough.
Five days later…I’ve been in bed for two days with a ridiculous cold. My immune system apparently isn't as convinced as I am that I don't need caffeine. However, I am tired earlier and get great sleep. This is good news!
