In high school, I was once asked to write a paper on what I thought people would say about me at my funeral. I was dumbfounded; I knew that my dominant attributes and contributions to the world as I knew it were limited, and quite negative. Perhaps it was my perspective of the world as to why I had lived that way, but the gathering over my death I envisioned would not happen the way I wanted it to. I knew, at 17, that I was letting mysef be defined by all the wrong things; that what I was then known for was not really who I was, and it certainly was not who I wanted to be when I left the world. Tonight, I sat around the table, and felt that similar feeling of not wanting to belong to this. There had to be something more. This is a rough outline of the paper I couldn't write then.
I can't play this game any longer. I don't desire to "keep up" with current popular ideas of how 23 year olds should live. I might be a christian young lady who went to private school and occasionally goes to church, but I don't want to be in a choir, get married (that's right I said it), have children tommorrow, or become a teacher. And also, I don't like cooking, and I like 4 shots of espresso all at once. Some call me extreme; I'd prefer to think of myself as keepin' it real. I dare to be bold on a daily basis, and like it that way. I even admit to being raw and unkempt 97% of the time. I don't set out to offend people, but if I do, I'm sorry, but get over it. If I go out of this world and some of you reading this were confused, then my life was meaningless, as I see it.
At my funeral, if someone brings up my gpa, grades or what school I went to, I'll come alive from my casket ready for a fight. They do not make me worthy of anything except a good paying job, but even then, my worth will not be defined by a dollar sign. I'm money-driven, like anyone who values hard work...but I'm not driven by money. Two TOTALLY different ideas. On the same note, I refuse to be defined by how fast I run, how high I can fly, or any other limitless amount of athletic abilities I may or may not have...they only are such a big part of my life for the people that come with them. Those people will hopefully have good stories. It sure as hell won't be about possessions. (This is a joke, because if you know me, I don't have very much.)
I'd rather that my funeral be utterly silent with people who can't find the words, but whom know that unexplainably, their life won't be the same. The one friend who loved them regardless of their decisions; who showed up when everyone else was on their way out. Who gave money and time when they didn't think she had it...she found it. She was dependable, unexplainably loving, limitlessly giving, always honest and up front, but gentle with ones soul. I don't think there are words for feeling the loss of these things, because they are actions of the heart. I don't want to talk my way or give people justifiable reasons to why our friendship exists. We will just "be." Just....let yourself be. Often, our existence overlaps with others doing the same...being. It's not an exchange of words or events shared, at least not sensible recollections of them. We become bonded to those who can revel in our silence, absorb it and interpret it for exactly what it is, without exchanging any obvious form of communication.
Fast forward to the other night....dinner. I sat around a table talking about things that are utterly meaningless to me. If you were present at that dinner, here's what I didn't say: According to your standards, I have nothing fancy planned in the next year. No internship overseas...I'm not ready for Graduate school yet. I don't know when I'm graduating, but I know I'm working really hard towards it. Yea, I am a little smaller but it's not becuase I'm superhuman like you say. Don't brush me off like I was born with some small gene and you weren't, I just choose to wake up earlier and go for a run while the rest of the world sleeps. I also don't need any favors, and just because I wear spandex and baggy t shirts doesn't make me any less stylish than you. It's perspective, I respect you for yours and always have. Don't you DARE hold me to your standards to life. Is doug marriage material? Well obviously, but I don't want to get married right now. He's best friend material. I am happy, we love eachother, and that's more than enough right now. Why couldn't you have asked if he made me happy?
What else I would have told you if you had cared: that I think that I discovered the meaning of life! It's living in each moment and not letting it pass you by. I realized that if I try, I can run really fast. I've been in touch with my family and am beginning to see their strengths, and am inspired by it. I talk weekly to my grandmother on the phone, and she is one of the most beautiful people I've ever met. I still wake up early and go to bed very late, but that's only because each day contains so many attention-demanding-yet-pleasant moments, that I feel that if I don't live in that moment, that it won't be there again. You remember how much I love the sunshine? I've begun to love the rain, too. I have a cat, and we are a perfect pair. My roomate has become an incredible friend, and I am lucky to come home to her every night, and I will tell her everyday until one day, she believes me. :-) Please take me out of your box. When will you see that you can't keep me there?
rest of the paper....to be continued.
