age unknown

It's a world unknown: to know life far beyond a bad haircut or failing a class, but to find the idea of marrying so undesirable. I grew up, says my age, but wish I didn't. I fell in the black hole, somewhere between 17 and 32. The most awkward stage, set aside conveniently for effing up in every comprehensible way and for making backwards decisions that you will regret immediately upon pulling yourself out of this hole. I'm refraining from piercing my nose and tatooing my rib cage. (If I haven't already mentioned, while residing in the black hole, permanent decisions must not be made. At least, not any more.) I'm afraid to spend money on myself. It's safe to assume that one slip of the credit card and I will be another 2o-something-year-old with thousands of dollars in credit card debt...The hole is filled with a million walking reminders, in the form of Coach bags, trendy forms of transportation, and expensive jeans. Another problem, down here, we all think we're in invincible. How many times will I fall and break myself and still be unneccessarily ballsy?  I often hear the older ones mutter on the outside that "one day you'll grow up and realize that you're not what you used to be." Call me crazy (or young.) But I don't believe it. I happen to believe the world is what you make it; while it is broken, there is beauty in it. There is good-hearted people, who mean to do good, who set out to do good; who just can't help but be whole-heartedly good. There are people who still believe they are invincible, and whom I believe still are. And also, they are ageless. They are 12, and 84. They are not broken by circumstances. Other people are unable to destroy their soul. They are imperfect and know it, admit it, and try everyday to change it, but not for any other reason than it's simply the right thing to do. I refuse to believe that all people are selfish. I don't like this idea of doing only for yourself, or just enough to get by. I may be calloused and diseased by many things, but settling will never be one of them.